Have you ever been cheated on?
Have you ever cheated on someone?
Well, I’ve been to both shores of adultery river and it is not a Milky way at all.
I wanna start with a simple confession: I’ve done it more than just once. And yes, in the first few times I was totally careless and immature (though being light-headed at 16 does not excuse my frivolous behavior). While in the latest cases I was not careless anymore… (on the contrary, quite careful not to get caught with my pants down), however, gotta admit – I am still slightly immature even though I’m over 30 now.
The question is: why should I fall for someone else when I’m deeply involved with the current partner, we live together and share personal stuff, and we are about to get pretty serious about it (like, to get married)? Am I escaping from the imperfect but real connection and trying to replace it with the ‘flawless-on-the-outside’ brand-new partnership?… Or am I simply scared of committing to staying with the same person for the rest of my life? Even writing about it is scary itself!
Funny thing is that each time it happens, I crash and burn, and then I reincarnate – just like Phoenix would – from the lake of painful tears and yet another battle with my conscience. Afterward, I usually break up with my current partner, then take some time to just be on my own, spend enough time by myself, and… finally, start a new relationship. What kind of stupid trick is that? Feels like stepping on the same rake twice.
Latest news; I’ve fallen in love with another guy while being in the relationship. How tacky, you’d say. To be honest, I don’t know why it happened, though I do have a few rationals on my mind like: my boyfriend was out of town, I was bored and lonely, and, on top of that, our relationship began to get stuck in a rut. As a result of my own stupidity, I did not just cheat on a man who truly loves me but happened to fall in love with that other guy. Oh, Lord, how ignorant and short-sighted I was! I guess I’ll never forget those days.
I see myself – as clearly as today – in a trendy Turkish bar sitting across this young fellow from the Middle East (hello, tacky No.2!), listening to his insane dream of traveling the world in a trailer with a husky in the passenger seat (has he seen “Into the Wild” too many times or what?). Gal, he’s gonna take a damned dog on his world tour, not you! Wake up right now! But no, my mind is asleep, ’cause my heart is racing. I have to say, not only the heart was involved back then…
It’s a no-brainer it all turned out to be a huge blip. This guy was not looking for a long-term relationship or a relation whatsoever. We broke up eventually. Frankly speaking, we tried to split up several times and then got back together, so it was a real neurotic connection. Not to mention, it was also a wound-opening, mind-blowing, and self-learning act. Plus, some kinky fetishist sex on top of the cake.
What I came to realize a year later – he actually helped me to understand what things I really wanted and needed from my man and my marriage. So, after all, I have to thank that guy for all his disappearances and excuses as well as for his insecurities and the courage to be open about them. After this tearful break-up, I finally looked at my ex-boyfriend from a completely different angle as I was, in fact, a different person now.
It may sound too perky to you, but being in this twisted relationship helped me to revalue everything I had; and, having cut this weird connection, I started appreciating people around me more than ever before (including my friends and my family).
Another interesting point about that quirky connection (or, better to say – ‘addiction’?) is that it lasted 9 months – exactly as long as pregnancy does. As a matter of fact, I did give birth to a baby. And I named it “Priorities change”. Had it not been that hard to reevaluate my personal sh.t, I would not be in the place I am right now. So I want to thank my mistakes again for making me what I am. I also want to thank my faults for making me special. Amen!
P.S. Please, let me know if you want to read more on this subject 🙂 and cheers to a new life!
expat¡st 